As desired, those memories are getting rid of themselves. Even at times when I attempt to recall, nothing seems to surface. I guess this is it, I have crossed the hurdle and into another phase of life. Yet, there is this uneasy, awkward feeling inside of me. It feels weird to have something that I used to be so emotional about disappearing all of a sudden. It is as though it all means nothing at all. Is it alright to be okay again? Is it alright to be completely nonchalant about the past? Is it alright to forget my mistake? 

I need to get myself preoccupied with work, where I meet new people and learn new things about life. Mentioning about work, I am feeling a little apprehensive. Nonetheless, God will be my light and guardian. 

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons…God disciplines us for our good that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet...” 

-Hebrews 12:7-12

I just had my derivatives paper this afternoon and I was bent on getting an A for the module. Yet, I made a mistake in my answers and that had cost me 10 marks? It bothered me a lot. I am a little angry at myself for not being sufficiently alert. Perhaps, mistakes or not, it should not matter. I should be more concerned with learning from my mistake and that I have indeed done my best. Somehow, I wished I could be flawless at least in the things I do best.

I have been thinking quite a bit these days and I thought, perhaps, I should pen down my thoughts.

Bit by bit, time has passed and this is the seventh month. Thankfully, your shadows are beginning to fade. They were right when they said time heals all wound. I should be feeling happy as the dark cloud fades but why do I feel as though everything inside me is draining away. Maybe, this could just be another phase I have to face and overcome. 

I am beginning to be convinced that you leaving me could really have been the bravest decision you ever made. No way were we going to build a blissful future together. But instead of feeling relieved, all I could feel or think of is, what a pity this has become. They say love is an experience, you get over it and learn only to make the next one better. It has to be true. 

I might really forget about you and return to being strangers. I hope you understand, forgetting was better for both of us. Although I used to tell you that even if we go on separate ways, I would make sure we remain as friends, I am afraid this can’t be true. 

I really hope you have completely forgotten about me so that I would not have to worry about you. Don’t feel guilty towards me. Or maybe, all that I am feeling were just my wishful thinking. 

I promise myself to do only things that will make you happy. Live well. :)

I was thinking about him during lecture today. It was a random thought, once again imagining seeing him once more. If it wasn’t hallucination, I think I really saw him today. In a split second we exchanged glances but all I did was to walk away. I had him in my mind but all my legs did was to continue walking. Not for a single second did I stop. Is this it? Is this the last time I am going to see him? 

Maybe it is time to let go and delete the last few pictures I have of us together. I am just afraid of imagining life without him in it. 

I keep forgetting all the reasons that helped me move on. I think I secretly enjoy retaining that bit of memory that held the feeling of comfort when I am with you.  For how long more do I have to endure floating in and out of rationality. When will I ever let go?

I have been dreaming about him for the past two days. The dreams didn’t come to me as a surprise. I have been thinking about him pretty frequently for the past few days. Those moments I have had so much comfort when he wrapped his arms around me and the smell of him, a quirky mixture of cigarette, shampoo and perspiration. Those days were sweet but I need to stop burying myself in the past. Things come and go. I have been constantly reminding myself that having once enjoyed a person doesn’t mean the next won’t be better. The next one will be better, I am sure.  

Deep down inside, I am praying to God. I prayed that I will stop thinking about him. A part of me understands that he is not the one neither can he be but another part of me chooses to be stubborn and loves to indulge in the sweet moments of the past. All this makes me a silly person. Six months have passed and every now and then I am still breathing the air from the past. Whenever I allow myself to think freely, it all goes back to imagining the same scenario where we would be having a really simple dinner, catching up on each other’s lives and bidding each other goodbye like friends. On certain days, all these might seem possible and on others, it does not.

Sick and tired of myself. There must be a way to get around this.  

I think I can get really silly at times. The thoughts I secretly harbor can make me a pretty ridiculous person. I may refuse to admit my inner desires to anyone but I can’t deny that they do exist. Thoughts are so hard to control, I am beginning to find it so hard to be the ideal person I imagined myself to be. Actions can be controlled but not thoughts. Yet, thoughts are the root of all trouble. I wished I have more control or simply have no desires. I pray that God helps me to guard my heart and mind.